i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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