So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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