shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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