Don't make out with my wife yet
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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