Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
