after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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