Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
My vagina just recognized that song.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize