Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
So many bounce houses so little time
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
