but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
