I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
