So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
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