She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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