I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Randomize
