The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
