My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
