can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
