I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
