So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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