i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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