It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
