Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I smell like Dick and happiness
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
