even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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