Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
