M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
