Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize