Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
