I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
