After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
