I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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