Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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