I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize