i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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