i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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