roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize