My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
