I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize