running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
