No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize