Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
