omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
