I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
