history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
