There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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