Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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