Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Randomize
