Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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