Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
