carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
