My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize