I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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