OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
