dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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