I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
