Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Also, beer. Big fan.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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