ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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