If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
