you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
