Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I party with great urgency now.
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