I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
