glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
