He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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